As I sit for one of the last times on my California deck and look out on my husband’s production legacy, my emotions go from anger to relief and back; with all levels experienced in a plethora of degrees. What is interesting to me is the connection between those emotional extremes to individuals and expectations. I have spent years in recovery from my own emotional garbage and its shrapnel. I have prompted and been prompted to let go of my expectations of others. My admonition has not changed, however the spiritual methodologies become much less standardized when it is my crap that needs to be extinguished. After almost 12 years here in the central valley of California, God certainly has done a transformative work in our lives. We are not the same people who moved here in February 2006 and for that I am grateful. In both the early years of recovery and those prior to it, the unkindness and disrespect that is being portioned to my husband would have been me with a full-on frontal (verbal) assault (without reserve). Now I am conflicted, which is good. Now I know what is right and honorable and I care about that. Now I know what it means to honor God in my response; which is really no response at all. Now I understand that forgiveness is a process and that when I fully surrender and am honest about my own stuff, God shows up and gently moves me through His process. Still, like Paul the good that I want to do I struggle with and the flesh and spirit battle for supremacy. O this wretched body of sin!
So, in this final blog from my California deck, I write and pray for those who have spitefully abused my gentle sweet amazing husband. Though now through gritted teeth, I know God will do His work in me and one day I will look back and see He has helped me lay it all down and fully forgive. God is on His throne. We have moved on and grown spiritually and what remains here is what He will us or work out in those who remain.
His work . . . His way . . . His timing.
Wyoming here we come . . . Thanks be to God for His great mercy and grace towards us!